Brian

I am continuing my list and description of people in my life. This next person's name is Brian.

I met Brian at the hospital as well. He was an intimidating man. He was tall and muscular and often wore a snug black T-shirt to match his short black hair. He had a strong jaw and a crease across his forehead. He was about 38 years old.

Brian had it all at one point in his life. He had married a stunningly beautiful woman; he had worked his way up to the top to become a wealthy real-estate agent. Brian was surrounded by stability and love.

But Brian was not happy.

He struggled to appear satisfied and thankful for his picture perfect life, but inside he was rotting away and slowly he began to lose everything. His marriage ended in divorce. He lost his job and his business while he spiraled into an ever deepening depression. His best friend caught him buying a .38. That is what landed him in the hospital.

Most everyone was scared of Brian because of his appearance. He once walked into a room to catch a young woman named Tina calling him a 'homicidal rapist'. He had not really said a word the entire duration of his stay, so everyone was silenced with fear and excitment to see what he would do next.
"I'm not a homicidal rapist.", he said softly.
He walked out of the room.

His voice intrigued me. It was higher pitched than I imagined; there was so much vulnerability in it. He was like a polar bear licking his wounds after a losing fight with a walrus. He seemed broken, wounded. Brian was harmless.

One afternoon I skipped a session and snuck off into to the living room to read magazines. I saw Brian in there standing by the counter where lunch was usually served. My curiousity for this vulnerable man got the best of me and I walked over to learn more.

We talked for about forty five minutes. This is when I learned of his job, his house, his family and friends, and his wife. His ex-wife still visited him every day during visiting hours (That's how I knew she was so gorgeous). She never fell out of love with him, that was not what lead to the divorce.

It was difficult to distinguish a real root to Brian's issues. He never had any trouble with drugs, abuse, or any sort of scarring experiences. He just, could not function. There was something in his brain that was just not there. You could tell just by talking to him that this man tried to be happy. He truly loved the things he had worked so hard to obtain. He wanted to be positive, but in his eyes there was a haunting sadness and hopelessness that no words or even actions could conceal. Brian had tried to single handedly to overcome his illness on his own. He failed.

However within a week, Brian was declared stable and his bags were soon packed. I knew he was not ready to go home. I could tell he was bullshitting during group sessions. He was good at lying if you had never heard him tell the truth. One day he was gone. Released, cured!

One week later Brian returned with a bandage around his neck. A few days later the bandage was removed to reveal a long red line that ran across his neck. He told me in private that when he tried to slit his throat he did not use a sharp enough knife. That he would have had to saw at his neck and that he could not bring himself to do it. A couple weeks later I left the hospital. I gave him a hug and he smiled but the look in his eyes had not changed.

I never saw or heard of him again.