i like to meet people more than i like knowing people. I want to know people's stories and sometimes their opinions but not necessarily their personalities.
and why can't you choose who you want or who you like?
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Super Crunchers
I've been reading up on Super Crunchers because its a possible career (given my area of study). Its scary. It makes me wonder...am I the good guy or the bad guy?
Gathering terabytes of information to create an algorithm that can predict the consumer's every move? I can be the person who knows more about the consumer than the consumer knows the consumer.
consumer...cone swoon her...own 'Boomer'(?)
As they say, the era of free lunches is over. rats.
Machines are replacing humans. Again. But not without consequences...
So I guess all of the 'reservation and transportation ticket agents and travel clerks' must have committed suicide in Dublin. As a result, you check your own baggage via computer and conveyor belt. Each little conveyor belt towed your luggage through a large opening in the wall where you could see a giant conveyor belt that collected all the bags from all the little conveyor belts. (whew!)
The women next to us in line looked hesitant and confused. Nonetheless, she hauled her suitcase onto the belt. Then she changed her mind.
In a panic, she threw herself at her belongings in an attempt to rescue them from Bangkok, Tokyo, Tobolsk, Cairo ... God knows where. Unfortunately, she underestimated the power of the belt.
It gobbled her up! She struggled to escape, but the odds were against her. Caught off balance and without the proper footwear, her heavy bag held her down and the belt was too fast and too strong for her.
I'll never forget that face. The look of death. This is the end.
Luckily, my ever caring sister Maddy happened to be nearby. The woman frantically grabbed Maddy's arm in the same way a drowning victim pulls down another swimmer. Death does funny things to us sometimes. (The Grim Reeper is just a riot! (See Jim Carrey's "In Living Color" ))
Maddy held her ground though and pulled the woman to safety. The woman was so spooked she didn't even speak. A clerk eventually arrived to whisk the woman away safely to a line that was out the door. It consisted of all the people who had come to a disagreement with the computer clerk.
The line was for the single station that was still old school, complete with a flesh and blood reservation and transportation ticket agent.
Gathering terabytes of information to create an algorithm that can predict the consumer's every move? I can be the person who knows more about the consumer than the consumer knows the consumer.
consumer...cone swoon her...own 'Boomer'(?)
As they say, the era of free lunches is over. rats.
Machines are replacing humans. Again. But not without consequences...
So I guess all of the 'reservation and transportation ticket agents and travel clerks' must have committed suicide in Dublin. As a result, you check your own baggage via computer and conveyor belt. Each little conveyor belt towed your luggage through a large opening in the wall where you could see a giant conveyor belt that collected all the bags from all the little conveyor belts. (whew!)
The women next to us in line looked hesitant and confused. Nonetheless, she hauled her suitcase onto the belt. Then she changed her mind.
In a panic, she threw herself at her belongings in an attempt to rescue them from Bangkok, Tokyo, Tobolsk, Cairo ... God knows where. Unfortunately, she underestimated the power of the belt.
It gobbled her up! She struggled to escape, but the odds were against her. Caught off balance and without the proper footwear, her heavy bag held her down and the belt was too fast and too strong for her.
I'll never forget that face. The look of death. This is the end.
Luckily, my ever caring sister Maddy happened to be nearby. The woman frantically grabbed Maddy's arm in the same way a drowning victim pulls down another swimmer. Death does funny things to us sometimes. (The Grim Reeper is just a riot! (See Jim Carrey's "In Living Color" ))
Maddy held her ground though and pulled the woman to safety. The woman was so spooked she didn't even speak. A clerk eventually arrived to whisk the woman away safely to a line that was out the door. It consisted of all the people who had come to a disagreement with the computer clerk.
The line was for the single station that was still old school, complete with a flesh and blood reservation and transportation ticket agent.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
wow
This handout from Russian advertising agency Voskhod shows a smiling, cartoonish black man flashing the victory sign in front of the US capital building, along with the Russian slogan: "Everyone's talking about it: dark inside white!" Obama ice cream, anyone? Chocolate-vanilla ice cream is one of several Russian products being marketed using Obama even as critics call the ads racist.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Pardon Me, I'm Almost Finished
This happens more than you would think:
(hypothetical person denoted 'Bob')
Bob is washing his hands at the faucet in the kitchen of the state room. I need to wash my hands as well. I go stand next to Bob so that I can use the sink after he is finished. This makes Bob anxious.
Bob thinks:
Why is she just standing there!?
Me:
I wonder if he knows I'm in 'line'. Does he not know that a 'line' does not have to be several people in length but can in fact be used as a slang term implying 'waiting for the use of the designated "tool"'?
Bob turns around to look at me, a motion resulting in him stepping away from the sink, as if to indicate that he welcomes my shared use of it. But his hands are still scrubbing away under the spout, an obvious sign that it is not yet my turn.
"Sorry" he says.
Me:
Please don't ever apologize for proper personal hygiene. I'll accept apologies only for your failure to uphold my sanitation standards.
"It's fine" I say
He continues his washing, but does not return back to his initial stance in front of the sink. Instead he remains distanced from it, as if to prematurely depart from the cleaning station. After finishing up, he turns off the faucet and dries his hands.
He glances once more at me and quickly apologizes again. "Sorry," Bob says as he turns the faucet back on before I have a chance to step up to the sink. I like to think of this random act of kindness as a way of saying, "Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. I am not a selfish person."
However, once an official line forms (two or more people), Bob no longer feels rushed. His handwashing routine returns to normal.
(hypothetical person denoted 'Bob')
Bob is washing his hands at the faucet in the kitchen of the state room. I need to wash my hands as well. I go stand next to Bob so that I can use the sink after he is finished. This makes Bob anxious.
Bob thinks:
Why is she just standing there!?
Me:
I wonder if he knows I'm in 'line'. Does he not know that a 'line' does not have to be several people in length but can in fact be used as a slang term implying 'waiting for the use of the designated "tool"'?
Bob turns around to look at me, a motion resulting in him stepping away from the sink, as if to indicate that he welcomes my shared use of it. But his hands are still scrubbing away under the spout, an obvious sign that it is not yet my turn.
"Sorry" he says.
Me:
Please don't ever apologize for proper personal hygiene. I'll accept apologies only for your failure to uphold my sanitation standards.
"It's fine" I say
He continues his washing, but does not return back to his initial stance in front of the sink. Instead he remains distanced from it, as if to prematurely depart from the cleaning station. After finishing up, he turns off the faucet and dries his hands.
He glances once more at me and quickly apologizes again. "Sorry," Bob says as he turns the faucet back on before I have a chance to step up to the sink. I like to think of this random act of kindness as a way of saying, "Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. I am not a selfish person."
However, once an official line forms (two or more people), Bob no longer feels rushed. His handwashing routine returns to normal.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Dishwashers
It was crazy at work today--banquets and the State Room were both packed. You can imagine the dish washing station! Piles of plates stacked to the ceiling...Coffee cups thrown every which way...it was a mess to say the least. I think I would have had a panic attack if I was a dishwasher. Then I wondered...how do they do it? how do they clear that sticky mushy clutter so quickly?
I decided to watch them to find out.
One of the dishwashers, say, 'Val', lifted the tallest pile he could handle. He looked both ways...and then dropped the pile into the giant trash can where it disappeared into the muck.
Boomf!
Clean a stack, toss a stack, clean a stack, toss a stack
Clearly human dishwashers were worth the splurge.
I decided to watch them to find out.
One of the dishwashers, say, 'Val', lifted the tallest pile he could handle. He looked both ways...and then dropped the pile into the giant trash can where it disappeared into the muck.
Boomf!
Clean a stack, toss a stack, clean a stack, toss a stack
Clearly human dishwashers were worth the splurge.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I am totally getting cancer
March 6, 2009
MEMORANDUM
TO: WELLS HALL – BUILDING CONTACTS
FROM: Shawn Kelly - Physical Plant Maintenance
SUBJECT: ASBESTOS ABATEMENT – WELLS HALL
Abatement of asbestos-containing materials has been scheduled to take place in WELLS HALL – ROOMS D327 & D300, under Work Order W09016002. Asbestos as pipe fitting insulation will be removed during this project. This abatement is scheduled to begin Monday, March 16, 2009 and will be completed on Wednesday, March 18, 2009. The abatement contractors will be working between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. The requestor of this project is responsible for the removal of any furniture or other items which may inhibit the ability of the contractor to perform this abatement.
Michigan State University retains only State of Michigan licensed asbestos abatement contractors with trained and certified workers to conduct asbestos projects. Asbestos abatement personnel are required by law to take appropriate measures to contain asbestos fibers within the work area. Asbestos work areas are strictly off limits to persons who are not trained or directly involved with the project. Please respect all warning signs and danger tape. When the abatement has been completed, the area will be cleared for unrestricted use by an independent third party who conducts a visual inspection followed by an air clearance test.
Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) for any chemicals that may be used during this project are available from the Physical Plant Project Representative or the Office of Radiation, Chemical and Biological Safety (ORCBS).
If you have any questions, please contact Mark Lutkenhoff, Planner/Inspector/Analyst, at 432-0537, Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. After 4:30 p.m., contact Gordon Clark, Acting Skilled Trades Supervisor at 432-0508, from 4:30 p.m. to 1:00 a.m.
Please notify all personnel in your building. Your cooperation during this interruption is appreciated.
To change your list of building contacts please e-mail physplantbldgcontact@pplant.msu.edu, or call Ruth Mair at 432-0243.
SK\ML\dh
S:\Wd\buildings\wellshall\asbestosabatement\asb03.16.09
cc: Utility Shutdown Contacts
***************
Since the 1960s, asbestos has been recognized as a potent carcinogen and serious health hazard. Inhalation of airborne asbestos fibers has been established as the cause of asbestosis (thickening and scarring of lung tissue) and as a cause of mesothelioma (a highly lethal tumor of the pleura) as well as of cancers of the lung, intestines, and liver. In 1972, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration began regulating asbestos and strengthening work safety standards. Large class action lawsuits were filed and won against asbestos companies, which had probable prior knowledge of the dangers involved. In 1989, the Environmental Protection Agency imposed a ban on 94% of U.S. asbestos production and imports, to be phased in over a seven year period. Most current asbestos exposure comes from asbestos in older buildings and products such as automobile brakes.
MEMORANDUM
TO: WELLS HALL – BUILDING CONTACTS
FROM: Shawn Kelly - Physical Plant Maintenance
SUBJECT: ASBESTOS ABATEMENT – WELLS HALL
Abatement of asbestos-containing materials has been scheduled to take place in WELLS HALL – ROOMS D327 & D300, under Work Order W09016002. Asbestos as pipe fitting insulation will be removed during this project. This abatement is scheduled to begin Monday, March 16, 2009 and will be completed on Wednesday, March 18, 2009. The abatement contractors will be working between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. The requestor of this project is responsible for the removal of any furniture or other items which may inhibit the ability of the contractor to perform this abatement.
Michigan State University retains only State of Michigan licensed asbestos abatement contractors with trained and certified workers to conduct asbestos projects. Asbestos abatement personnel are required by law to take appropriate measures to contain asbestos fibers within the work area. Asbestos work areas are strictly off limits to persons who are not trained or directly involved with the project. Please respect all warning signs and danger tape. When the abatement has been completed, the area will be cleared for unrestricted use by an independent third party who conducts a visual inspection followed by an air clearance test.
Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) for any chemicals that may be used during this project are available from the Physical Plant Project Representative or the Office of Radiation, Chemical and Biological Safety (ORCBS).
If you have any questions, please contact Mark Lutkenhoff, Planner/Inspector/Analyst, at 432-0537, Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. After 4:30 p.m., contact Gordon Clark, Acting Skilled Trades Supervisor at 432-0508, from 4:30 p.m. to 1:00 a.m.
Please notify all personnel in your building. Your cooperation during this interruption is appreciated.
To change your list of building contacts please e-mail physplantbldgcontact@pplant.msu.edu, or call Ruth Mair at 432-0243.
SK\ML\dh
S:\Wd\buildings\wellshall\asbestosabatement\asb03.16.09
cc: Utility Shutdown Contacts
***************
Since the 1960s, asbestos has been recognized as a potent carcinogen and serious health hazard. Inhalation of airborne asbestos fibers has been established as the cause of asbestosis (thickening and scarring of lung tissue) and as a cause of mesothelioma (a highly lethal tumor of the pleura) as well as of cancers of the lung, intestines, and liver. In 1972, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration began regulating asbestos and strengthening work safety standards. Large class action lawsuits were filed and won against asbestos companies, which had probable prior knowledge of the dangers involved. In 1989, the Environmental Protection Agency imposed a ban on 94% of U.S. asbestos production and imports, to be phased in over a seven year period. Most current asbestos exposure comes from asbestos in older buildings and products such as automobile brakes.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Steffi and ____ not in Barcelona
Spring Break wasn't fun in the sun for me this year (or last year)(or the year before), but there have been perks:
watching the former athletes arise from hibernation and try to start running again now that the sun has been peeking out. I really thought this one girl was going to make it, she was huffin' and puffin' but she had a strong face. Unfortunately, she pooped out about 30 seconds later. Come May, the runners will be better. And less interesting to watch.
and...
huh. i guess that's it.
watching the former athletes arise from hibernation and try to start running again now that the sun has been peeking out. I really thought this one girl was going to make it, she was huffin' and puffin' but she had a strong face. Unfortunately, she pooped out about 30 seconds later. Come May, the runners will be better. And less interesting to watch.
and...
huh. i guess that's it.
Monday, March 9, 2009
my new picture...
is the photo of my notes from WRA 110. Yes, that was the assignment. To write about robot love. Then Wall-E came out and showed us up.
Friday, March 6, 2009
i don't really smoke but i liked the picture
"when i was seventeen i ate cookies and meringue
stayed 100 pounds and spoke entirely in slang"
-me
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Inspired by a Scene from the Movie Control
she asks you a question
and looks in your eye
she knows what she thinks
and she wants you to lie
say what she wants
but dont mean what you say
because you both know
she doesn't care either way
you don't need to lure her
because she wants it too
just come up with an answer
thats right enough to do
and looks in your eye
she knows what she thinks
and she wants you to lie
say what she wants
but dont mean what you say
because you both know
she doesn't care either way
you don't need to lure her
because she wants it too
just come up with an answer
thats right enough to do
Thursday, February 26, 2009
This Program Contains Subject Matter That May Be Disturbing to Some Viewers
I admit there will always be a place in my heart for forensics and the interworkings of the human body...and investigations and whatnot. (Though I often try to conceal my fascination regarding these subjects as I admit that I am embarrassed with this particular interest of mine...)
Anyway...
I was watching 'In Cold Blood' (on ID Discovery). This was one fucked up episode in the first place but there was one detail in particular that just continues to disturb me...read on.
The crime took place in a teeny tiny village in Whales, apparently the safest place to live statistically in the UK. It was so small they were able to collect blood samples from every male (who was over 18 and in town at the time...) to eliminate citizens from the collected DNA speciman.
In a nutshell the crime details:
Anyway...
I was watching 'In Cold Blood' (on ID Discovery). This was one fucked up episode in the first place but there was one detail in particular that just continues to disturb me...read on.
The crime took place in a teeny tiny village in Whales, apparently the safest place to live statistically in the UK. It was so small they were able to collect blood samples from every male (who was over 18 and in town at the time...) to eliminate citizens from the collected DNA speciman.
In a nutshell the crime details:
- Elderly widow is found murdered
- she is drained of her blood and her heart lies cut out in a pot roast
- cross symbols are found at the scene
- teenage art student thinks he is vampire
- he thinks drinking blood will give him eternal life
- "Suicide" took place near the crime scene shortly after the murder.
Eventually of course the kid gets caught and goes to jail but the "suicide" was ruled unrelated. Unrelated! The guy scratched cross symbols all over the place, set himself on fire and jumped off a bridge! He was a Pagan with dark underworld magic type interests and was around the same age as the suspect.
On top of that, this incident was only briefly mentioned. "In an unrelated but suspicious occurence..."
WTF! Where's the 45 minute story on this? This must be one hell of a statisicist! Remind me to look this fellow up next time I need to sway the opinion of the public.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sorry But That's Just the Way It Is
The Advertising Standards Committee of South Africa considered complaints in regard to television advertisements placed by the Amy Biehl Foundation. The two advertisements feature a young (12 - 14 year old) black boy in surroundings of an impoverished informal settlement uttering words to the effect that in a few years time he will be involved in a hi-jacking situation and will shoot the owner of the vehicle if he puts up any resistance, and a young (12 - 14 year old) white boy, also in surroundings evidencing a poor working class area, uttering words to the effect that in a few years time he will be begging at a shopping centre, and that if the person from whom he would be begging walks away from him, he would attack this person by stabbing him three times.
After the cinema commercial was banned this follow-up was shown on TV.
For the full story, visit best_rejected_advertisements
I'm No Square, But Isn't That Stuff Addictive?
Ma and Pop Store
'Ma': "How's Maria?"
'Pa': "They put 'er on these pills. Xanax"
worker one: "Everybody's on those aunt-tee dee-pressants these days"
'Ma': "It's a real shame. A real shame all those drugs they pump into people. "
worker two: "Xanax isn't an anti-depressant. It's a benzodiazepine. It's for anxiety; panic disorders"
'Pa': "They gonna mess 'er up. Just like those pain killer devils. God didn't put us on this earth to take drugs. It's all recreational if you ask me."
worker two: "She was on acetaminophen and hydrocodone for 4 days. She was never addicted. She switched to aspirin."
'Ma': "Why and how do you know so much about drugs young man?"
worker two: "Why, are you looking to buy some?"
'Ma': "How's Maria?"
'Pa': "They put 'er on these pills. Xanax"
worker one: "Everybody's on those aunt-tee dee-pressants these days"
'Ma': "It's a real shame. A real shame all those drugs they pump into people. "
worker two: "Xanax isn't an anti-depressant. It's a benzodiazepine. It's for anxiety; panic disorders"
'Pa': "They gonna mess 'er up. Just like those pain killer devils. God didn't put us on this earth to take drugs. It's all recreational if you ask me."
worker two: "She was on acetaminophen and hydrocodone for 4 days. She was never addicted. She switched to aspirin."
'Ma': "Why and how do you know so much about drugs young man?"
worker two: "Why, are you looking to buy some?"
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Iosef "Soso" Dzugashvili (jug-ash-vee-lee)
his arm was stiff
his leg was crushed
his face as marked as lazurous
who be the boy with the sickly figure?
they call him Soso, the bratty stickler
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Hundred Dollar Cookie
The snowboard trip to Eagle-Vail (located in between the cities of Eagle and Vail) went rather well I think. My dad and his complete disregard for rules never ceases to amuse me. Two examples:
1. It costs one hundred dollars for a lift ticket for one day at the Beav. (Beaver Creek). On the up side, there are free (delicious) cookies everyday at 3:00.
Anyway...
It was almost three and I wanted a cookie, so I sped down ahead of everybody else. Unfortunately I still didn't make it in time. I leaned against a post to wait for Luke and my dad.
My dad zooms by. "Where are the cookies?"
Me: "We missed it, its 3:25."
Dad: "Hey, look! That guy's got one! Over by the escalator..."
He steps out of his skies and bee-lines it over to the escalator. A man on a mission. As soon as he begins his descent down the crowded moving staircase, he notices the woman in the white chef uniform and hat traveling UP the escalator. And she's carrying a platter!!
My dad reaches across the bridge that separates the escalators to grab a hand full of cookies from the tray. Of course, the woman is traveling too far too fast, and my dad doesn't have a good grip on the dessert yet!
No worries, he just runs up the descending stairs. Children in stiff ski boots and women in mink fur hats are mauled in the process.
But he's not a mad man, just oblivious. "One-track mind", some might say. Besides, he had the right-of-way.
After indulging, he pocketed the remaining cookies unwrapped. Later he would present his prize to his lovely wife.
Oh the crumbs...."and that's the way the cookie crumbles"
2. The second event:
We hike up a trail to the entrance of a marked off run. "STOP!" it warns. Meanwhile we are surpassed on our hike by two young ski bums in Oakley sunglasses.
Dad: "hey how is it up there?"
Ski Bum 1: "It gets pretty hairy up there. There's lots of hidden cliffs and tight trees so if you don't know the mountain really really well you will probably get lost."
Dad: "Oh I know the mountain"
(He doesn't)
Ski Bum 2: "It's not skill level, its just that visibility is bad and you'll probably get lost."
Dad: "Okay thank you, let's go guys!"
(Why does he even ask people for their opinions?)
Luke: "come on Dad I don't want to hike back!"
Mads: "Dad you couldn't even find the lodge!"
Me: "This has 'bad idea' written all over it."
Dad: Throws down skies in a raging manner. "Alright fine, if you guys can't do it..." (anger and sarcasm!!)
The challenge was there. He had lured us into it. It was actually pretty great but he was 1 for 3 on similar situations. (Although, I did happen to find an old ski (circa 1970) buried beneath the snow on one of these disaster runs when I hit a tree. Its okay, I wear a helmet)
1. It costs one hundred dollars for a lift ticket for one day at the Beav. (Beaver Creek). On the up side, there are free (delicious) cookies everyday at 3:00.
Anyway...
It was almost three and I wanted a cookie, so I sped down ahead of everybody else. Unfortunately I still didn't make it in time. I leaned against a post to wait for Luke and my dad.
My dad zooms by. "Where are the cookies?"
Me: "We missed it, its 3:25."
Dad: "Hey, look! That guy's got one! Over by the escalator..."
He steps out of his skies and bee-lines it over to the escalator. A man on a mission. As soon as he begins his descent down the crowded moving staircase, he notices the woman in the white chef uniform and hat traveling UP the escalator. And she's carrying a platter!!
My dad reaches across the bridge that separates the escalators to grab a hand full of cookies from the tray. Of course, the woman is traveling too far too fast, and my dad doesn't have a good grip on the dessert yet!
No worries, he just runs up the descending stairs. Children in stiff ski boots and women in mink fur hats are mauled in the process.
But he's not a mad man, just oblivious. "One-track mind", some might say. Besides, he had the right-of-way.
After indulging, he pocketed the remaining cookies unwrapped. Later he would present his prize to his lovely wife.
Oh the crumbs...."and that's the way the cookie crumbles"
2. The second event:
We hike up a trail to the entrance of a marked off run. "STOP!" it warns. Meanwhile we are surpassed on our hike by two young ski bums in Oakley sunglasses.
Dad: "hey how is it up there?"
Ski Bum 1: "It gets pretty hairy up there. There's lots of hidden cliffs and tight trees so if you don't know the mountain really really well you will probably get lost."
Dad: "Oh I know the mountain"
(He doesn't)
Ski Bum 2: "It's not skill level, its just that visibility is bad and you'll probably get lost."
Dad: "Okay thank you, let's go guys!"
(Why does he even ask people for their opinions?)
Luke: "come on Dad I don't want to hike back!"
Mads: "Dad you couldn't even find the lodge!"
Me: "This has 'bad idea' written all over it."
Dad: Throws down skies in a raging manner. "Alright fine, if you guys can't do it..." (anger and sarcasm!!)
The challenge was there. He had lured us into it. It was actually pretty great but he was 1 for 3 on similar situations. (Although, I did happen to find an old ski (circa 1970) buried beneath the snow on one of these disaster runs when I hit a tree. Its okay, I wear a helmet)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
comical couple
Meanwhile, at the State Room...
A 50 year old man and his assumed mother(grandmother?!) of 90+ are eating dinner. Okay, well I lied for the sake of alliteration. There were actually two others present, making it a party of four. The other two are also elderly women. All women are senile. One is drooling.
Man: Now if you see the moose straight ahead, don't swerve! just break FIRMLY
Ninety-Niner: OOoh
Woman #1: That's right Nana, a moose!
Woman #2: So then what? What if you hit it?
Man: Well, I guess you gotta try to hit as little of the animal as possible. AND MOOSE ARE HUUUGE! Arms flail for added effect
Ninety-Niner: OOoh
Woman #2: That's chocolate Nana. You like chocolate...
Man: So once impact is made, there are two things you gotta do: drive into the direction the moose walked FROM. You see, he won't want to back-track, his goal is to move forward! so you're likely to his just his end parts then.
Secondly, duck down real low in your seat. The moose is HUUGE and he will crush you when he crashes through the windshield--and he will crash through the windshield, whether you hit him straight on or just knick him in his legs. Doesn't matter.
Yep, if you duck you just might survive. It's not guaranteed of course...
Woman #1: So you're just better off avoiding the collision...
Ninety-Niner: OOoh
A 50 year old man and his assumed mother(grandmother?!) of 90+ are eating dinner. Okay, well I lied for the sake of alliteration. There were actually two others present, making it a party of four. The other two are also elderly women. All women are senile. One is drooling.
Man: Now if you see the moose straight ahead, don't swerve! just break FIRMLY
Ninety-Niner: OOoh
Woman #1: That's right Nana, a moose!
Woman #2: So then what? What if you hit it?
Man: Well, I guess you gotta try to hit as little of the animal as possible. AND MOOSE ARE HUUUGE! Arms flail for added effect
Ninety-Niner: OOoh
Woman #2: That's chocolate Nana. You like chocolate...
Man: So once impact is made, there are two things you gotta do: drive into the direction the moose walked FROM. You see, he won't want to back-track, his goal is to move forward! so you're likely to his just his end parts then.
Secondly, duck down real low in your seat. The moose is HUUGE and he will crush you when he crashes through the windshield--and he will crash through the windshield, whether you hit him straight on or just knick him in his legs. Doesn't matter.
Yep, if you duck you just might survive. It's not guaranteed of course...
Woman #1: So you're just better off avoiding the collision...
Ninety-Niner: OOoh
Friday, February 6, 2009
Why...?
Tattoos are common among criminals. It makes no sense.
authority: Can you describe the suspect? Any defining characteristics?
witness: come to think of it, yes...he had a bowser tattoo on his left elbow...
On the plus side, Jane Doe seldom has defining tattoos.
authority: Can you describe the suspect? Any defining characteristics?
witness: come to think of it, yes...he had a bowser tattoo on his left elbow...
On the plus side, Jane Doe seldom has defining tattoos.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
No Confetti (Thank you for your (assumed) cooperation)
'No soliciting', 'No loitering', 'no smoking', even 'no shirt no shoes no service' are all well and good, but...
Where's the 'No confetti in the dining room (Thank You, -State Room Staff)' sign. Not at Home Depot, I can tell you that much.
Its in your hair, your socks, your nail beds...and these particular "flakes of fun" were snowflake-shaped so they were pointy and pokey. Worst than sand.
Confetti is sold to guests. Never to hosts. Think about it. It just proves all people love to 'fuck shit up':
Confetti is the form of destructive behaviour for nice people--people who do not only need permission from their host, but thankfulness. Bring a casserole to the new years party at Jane's?
"No I'm bringing confetti in balloons. We'll pop them with needles or little arrows or our dinner forks! Aren't I creative!!"
Jane must be impressed by my hard work for her dinner party.
Its funny actually. Junior year of high school Ms. Burns made us take one of those 'career suggestion' tests. A couple days later we would receive our results. Mine?
Sign-maker. true story.
I was not offended. I was surprised. Who included 'Sign-maker' in the career options?
Food-maker
Body-Healer
Information-explainer
Hmmm
Career-thinker-upper?
In other news, I embarrassed myself at work. While cleaning up the confetti, I couldn't help but notice that our inconsiderate party guests had left one piece of birthday cake on their platter. My mouth watered. It had been a long shift. Chocolate too! My favorite! (As of the moment)
My clean-up speed slowed as I stared longingly at the cake. No one was around, it was a private dining room! I peered around the corner to take a quick scan of the hallway. In the clear.
I carried the platter off to the side, but before indulging I decided it was a good idea to slide my finger around the edges of where the round cake had been to collect a heap of frosting.
The only problem was that the cake had been a dinosaur cake, decorated with green and BLACK icing. (and yes, the cake was for adults)
So my manager walks in, looks at me, looks at the cake and goes "Oooh, cake!" (smile)
He took my cake.
I picked up a shiny unused knife and looked at my mouth. My lips and teeth were stained black.
Oh the shame!
Where's the 'No confetti in the dining room (Thank You, -State Room Staff)' sign. Not at Home Depot, I can tell you that much.
Its in your hair, your socks, your nail beds...and these particular "flakes of fun" were snowflake-shaped so they were pointy and pokey. Worst than sand.
Confetti is sold to guests. Never to hosts. Think about it. It just proves all people love to 'fuck shit up':
Confetti is the form of destructive behaviour for nice people--people who do not only need permission from their host, but thankfulness. Bring a casserole to the new years party at Jane's?
"No I'm bringing confetti in balloons. We'll pop them with needles or little arrows or our dinner forks! Aren't I creative!!"
Jane must be impressed by my hard work for her dinner party.
Its funny actually. Junior year of high school Ms. Burns made us take one of those 'career suggestion' tests. A couple days later we would receive our results. Mine?
Sign-maker. true story.
I was not offended. I was surprised. Who included 'Sign-maker' in the career options?
Food-maker
Body-Healer
Information-explainer
Hmmm
Career-thinker-upper?
In other news, I embarrassed myself at work. While cleaning up the confetti, I couldn't help but notice that our inconsiderate party guests had left one piece of birthday cake on their platter. My mouth watered. It had been a long shift. Chocolate too! My favorite! (As of the moment)
My clean-up speed slowed as I stared longingly at the cake. No one was around, it was a private dining room! I peered around the corner to take a quick scan of the hallway. In the clear.
I carried the platter off to the side, but before indulging I decided it was a good idea to slide my finger around the edges of where the round cake had been to collect a heap of frosting.
The only problem was that the cake had been a dinosaur cake, decorated with green and BLACK icing. (and yes, the cake was for adults)
So my manager walks in, looks at me, looks at the cake and goes "Oooh, cake!" (smile)
He took my cake.
I picked up a shiny unused knife and looked at my mouth. My lips and teeth were stained black.
Oh the shame!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Rise and Fall of Glasses and Handwriting
If I were born 50 years ago, I'd be wearing glasses and writing in cursive. Instead, I wear contacts and type blogs.
But I like to think that I take care of my hand-written style (does printing count? printing math notes?)
I know in high school I would make my j's just straight lines reaching well below the horizontal margin. That way, in theology class, my papers were filled with 'lesus' instead of 'Jesus'.
But then that all changed when my s's turned into miniature h's circa sophomore year. Then the prophet 'lehuh' was born. lehuh, my Savior. My prince!
When we studied forensics and learned about the science of handwriting, I became paranoid and aware of the tilt of my letters. For awhile my 'tilt' wavered back and forth. If the alphabet could drink...my combination would be an alcoholic.
I haven't written in the true sense of the word since I last signed my name on a little green screen on an electronic credit card machine. It read 'Stephanie Stu-' in perfect little curvy letters.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Top Sex Scenes
FOUR GREAT SEX SCENES
just off the top of my head really. I do think #2 is probably the best. you be the judge.
4. Planet Terror: Rose McGowan(Cherry Darling) and Freddy Rodriguez(Wray)
Description: corny, cheesy, vintage, porn-esque
I don't think I need to elaborate past the description.
3. Lust, Caution: Tony Leung Chiu Wai(Mr. Yee) and Wei Tang(Wong Chia Chi, aka Mak Tai Tai)
Description: um...rape? and sweat.
At first the sex scene(s) are disturbing. Mr. Yee rips off her clothes and forces her into the positions he likes. He even binds her wrists at one point and forcibly enters her.
Mak struggles to break free and wrestles weakly during intercourse. Yet afterwards, as she lies somewhat lifeless on the bed, her mouth curves into a satisfied smile. I think the sex is what really buys Mak's affection for Mr. Yee. The sex is graphic; the footage is uncut.
Mak seems bored with her first experiences with sex. She only begins to have sex to practice her performance for when she seduces Mr. Yee. (She is on a mission to seduce him in order to assasinate him) The fellow she practices with keeps her updated on her progress. I think Mac begins to enjoy sex the moment she doesn't have to perform. She likes to be 'raped' by a man she desires.
It reminds me on the sex between Howard Roark and Dominique Francon in Ayn Rand's Fountainhead.
2. History Of Violence: Viggo Mortensen(Tom Stall) and Maria Bello(Edie Stall)
Description: rough, raw, hard fucking
A man(Joey) with a history of violence invents a new identity(Tom Stall) and moves to small town America.
Clearly, Edie has sex with Joey in this scene. Its ...rough, raw, hard fucking. The scene is the second sex scene of the movie.
The first one is Edie making love to Tom. She is role playing as a teenage cheerleader, pretending her strict parents are downstairs sleeping. Its...innocent, cuddly, cute. and kind of boring. Very Tom Stall hahaha.
1. The Departed: Vera Farmiga(Madolyn) and Leonardo DiCaprio(William Costigan, Jr.)
Sex Song: Comfortably Numb, by Pink Floyd
Description: soft, smooth, velvety, warm, passionate
William's attempt to start a new life as an honest citizen ironically thrusts him back into the very crime ridden world he tried to escape from. His classified assignment as an undercover cop alienates him further from any potential companionship. We watch as his social isolation spirals him deeper into a manic depression. William only expresses his frustration emotionally to one person: Madolyn, his therapist.
Madolyn is Colin Sulivan's fiance. Colin and William, though strangers, are rivals who live very different lives. As Madolyn eats a banana one morning, she tries to discuss with Colin a '...problem last night...its okay...natural and common with many men...' Obviously sex did not go well (i.e. did not happen) yesterday evening between the couple. (Note: The lighting in Colin's apartment is always harsh, stark, BRIGHT WHITE)
Colin's charming, but reclusive and shallow. Madolyn is his doll, another ingredient in his recipe for a happy life.
Eventually William and Madolyn somehow end up alone in her apartment. Immediatly William shows more genuine affection (than Colin) for her, hanging her childhood photo on the wall when Colin refused to display the very same photo.
The lighting is dim, soft, comfortable, sexy. William is obviously vulnerable at this point. I mean, this is the only person, the ONLY person in his life at the present who he feels comfortable with, affectionate for, trusting with, and at the moment attracted to ....and so on
So don't screw it up!
Madolyn makes the first move (I think this is the first time in the movie where she has actually been the first to make the move, but I could be wrong). The kisses get passionate, the clothes come off, and they make sweet sweet love...soft, smooth, velvety, warm, passionate...
and of course they are beautiful people with great bodies
just off the top of my head really. I do think #2 is probably the best. you be the judge.
4. Planet Terror: Rose McGowan(Cherry Darling) and Freddy Rodriguez(Wray)
Description: corny, cheesy, vintage, porn-esque
I don't think I need to elaborate past the description.
3. Lust, Caution: Tony Leung Chiu Wai(Mr. Yee) and Wei Tang(Wong Chia Chi, aka Mak Tai Tai)
Description: um...rape? and sweat.
At first the sex scene(s) are disturbing. Mr. Yee rips off her clothes and forces her into the positions he likes. He even binds her wrists at one point and forcibly enters her.
Mak struggles to break free and wrestles weakly during intercourse. Yet afterwards, as she lies somewhat lifeless on the bed, her mouth curves into a satisfied smile. I think the sex is what really buys Mak's affection for Mr. Yee. The sex is graphic; the footage is uncut.
Mak seems bored with her first experiences with sex. She only begins to have sex to practice her performance for when she seduces Mr. Yee. (She is on a mission to seduce him in order to assasinate him) The fellow she practices with keeps her updated on her progress. I think Mac begins to enjoy sex the moment she doesn't have to perform. She likes to be 'raped' by a man she desires.
It reminds me on the sex between Howard Roark and Dominique Francon in Ayn Rand's Fountainhead.
2. History Of Violence: Viggo Mortensen(Tom Stall) and Maria Bello(Edie Stall)
Description: rough, raw, hard fucking
A man(Joey) with a history of violence invents a new identity(Tom Stall) and moves to small town America.
Clearly, Edie has sex with Joey in this scene. Its ...rough, raw, hard fucking. The scene is the second sex scene of the movie.
The first one is Edie making love to Tom. She is role playing as a teenage cheerleader, pretending her strict parents are downstairs sleeping. Its...innocent, cuddly, cute. and kind of boring. Very Tom Stall hahaha.
1. The Departed: Vera Farmiga(Madolyn) and Leonardo DiCaprio(William Costigan, Jr.)
Sex Song: Comfortably Numb, by Pink Floyd
Description: soft, smooth, velvety, warm, passionate
William's attempt to start a new life as an honest citizen ironically thrusts him back into the very crime ridden world he tried to escape from. His classified assignment as an undercover cop alienates him further from any potential companionship. We watch as his social isolation spirals him deeper into a manic depression. William only expresses his frustration emotionally to one person: Madolyn, his therapist.
Madolyn is Colin Sulivan's fiance. Colin and William, though strangers, are rivals who live very different lives. As Madolyn eats a banana one morning, she tries to discuss with Colin a '...problem last night...its okay...natural and common with many men...' Obviously sex did not go well (i.e. did not happen) yesterday evening between the couple. (Note: The lighting in Colin's apartment is always harsh, stark, BRIGHT WHITE)
Colin's charming, but reclusive and shallow. Madolyn is his doll, another ingredient in his recipe for a happy life.
Eventually William and Madolyn somehow end up alone in her apartment. Immediatly William shows more genuine affection (than Colin) for her, hanging her childhood photo on the wall when Colin refused to display the very same photo.
The lighting is dim, soft, comfortable, sexy. William is obviously vulnerable at this point. I mean, this is the only person, the ONLY person in his life at the present who he feels comfortable with, affectionate for, trusting with, and at the moment attracted to ....and so on
So don't screw it up!
Madolyn makes the first move (I think this is the first time in the movie where she has actually been the first to make the move, but I could be wrong). The kisses get passionate, the clothes come off, and they make sweet sweet love...soft, smooth, velvety, warm, passionate...
and of course they are beautiful people with great bodies
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Magdelena's Teahouse
The following events recorded are absolutely true. Word for word.
It is a bitter cold night. FRANCIS is sitting at the bar of a teahouse with friend KIELA**. Their mugs are empty. I sit one chair away from them, order coffee, and observe.
FRANCIS: What is a void?
KIELA: A void is nothing.
FRANCIS: No! Nothing is something. Void doesn’t exist in the physical world; rather, it exists only in logic, in philosophy.
KIELA: Well except in black holes. A black hole is a void by definition.
FRANCIS: That’s very interesting but now we are talking astrophysics.
KIELA: We were talking metaphysics.
FRANCIS: Subjects aside, are you familiar with math? I can draw you a black hole and explain it to you. (walks over and grabs a flyer and pen) So tell me what fraction yields .9999 and so on for forever?
KIELA: Ummmm….
FRANCIS: It’s one over nine. Now look what happens as I continue the graph…
KIELA: It goes to zero.
FRANCIS: No. It goes on forever until it reaches nothing.
KIELA: So it goes to zero.
FRANCIS: No. Zero is something. Zero loops around nothing but it is something.
KIELA: So if zero is something, what is nothing?
FRANCIS: A black hole.
Pause as they notice I am watching them.
KIELA: What do you think?
ME: pause. Well, it depends. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
**Name almost certainly spelled incorrectly.
It is a bitter cold night. FRANCIS is sitting at the bar of a teahouse with friend KIELA**. Their mugs are empty. I sit one chair away from them, order coffee, and observe.
FRANCIS: What is a void?
KIELA: A void is nothing.
FRANCIS: No! Nothing is something. Void doesn’t exist in the physical world; rather, it exists only in logic, in philosophy.
KIELA: Well except in black holes. A black hole is a void by definition.
FRANCIS: That’s very interesting but now we are talking astrophysics.
KIELA: We were talking metaphysics.
FRANCIS: Subjects aside, are you familiar with math? I can draw you a black hole and explain it to you. (walks over and grabs a flyer and pen) So tell me what fraction yields .9999 and so on for forever?
KIELA: Ummmm….
FRANCIS: It’s one over nine. Now look what happens as I continue the graph…
KIELA: It goes to zero.
FRANCIS: No. It goes on forever until it reaches nothing.
KIELA: So it goes to zero.
FRANCIS: No. Zero is something. Zero loops around nothing but it is something.
KIELA: So if zero is something, what is nothing?
FRANCIS: A black hole.
Pause as they notice I am watching them.
KIELA: What do you think?
ME: pause. Well, it depends. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
**Name almost certainly spelled incorrectly.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
status update
listening to:
"Background Music...
for a restaurant
featuring Martin Luther King, Jr.
Intended for use in a:
one two three FOUR five
star restaurant
Brought to you by Royalty Free Music (copyright)"
I thought this up after today's shift. I heard a voice.
"Is that...is that Martin Luther King, Jr.?"
-me
"But...where is it coming from?"
-hostess
"Its the music. I hear it in the music"
-server number three
The usual background music had been interrupted by Martin Luther King, Jr. Soft jazz and clergyman/activist collided. It sounded something like this:
(trumpet)daaaah da-da-da-da-da-da daaaah
(trombone) bwaaaaa bwaaaaa bwaaaa
"I have a dream..."
(clarinet) dee dee dee dooo dee dee dee dooo dooo dwaaah
"...that one day this nation will rise up"
(sax) dwa dwahh dwahhh dwahh dwahhh
"...and live out the true meaning of its creed!"
(percussion) twing tin tin booom booom booom
"I say I have a dream!"
"I say-"
"I say-"
"I say-say-say-"
"I have a dream!"
"I have a dream-dream-dream-dream"
(trumpet) dwah dee dee dee doo wahh wahhh wahhh
I thought it was a little inappropriate. But mostly weird. Weirder than you would think. Remember, its soft jazz. Background music. for a restaurant.
In other news, I went to the grocery store yesterday. I caught another shopper peering into my cart.
Asshole.
Then I realized I look into other people's carts all the time. The frazzled-let-herself-go-when-she-got-pregnant-at-16 mom with children buzzing around her like knats:
Juice
Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee Ravioli
Speghetti O's
potatoe chips
orange soda
Twinkies and Ho Ho's
Go-Gurts
Mac-N-Cheese (kraft for kids, stouffer's for dad)
Wonder Bread
*Young hip couples:
name brand tea (green)
organic yogurt
lettuce
beer
one box of cereal, moderately sweetened
rice
*The male counterpart of the couple was the snooper who peeked in my cart for more than the time alloted for accidental glance
old couple:
vodka
roast
Although, it can be helpful to sneak a peek at other carts to:
compare eating habits
see if you forgot anything
new food suggestions if you are looking to expand your diet
One last thing:
Tootsie Roll Pops are a bar must-have. They are great chasers, and they keep something in your hand so that you don't feel a constant need to buy another drink or smoke one.
that's all I have for today...
good night and good luck
"Background Music...
for a restaurant
featuring Martin Luther King, Jr.
Intended for use in a:
one two three FOUR five
star restaurant
Brought to you by Royalty Free Music (copyright)"
I thought this up after today's shift. I heard a voice.
"Is that...is that Martin Luther King, Jr.?"
-me
"But...where is it coming from?"
-hostess
"Its the music. I hear it in the music"
-server number three
The usual background music had been interrupted by Martin Luther King, Jr. Soft jazz and clergyman/activist collided. It sounded something like this:
(trumpet)daaaah da-da-da-da-da-da daaaah
(trombone) bwaaaaa bwaaaaa bwaaaa
"I have a dream..."
(clarinet) dee dee dee dooo dee dee dee dooo dooo dwaaah
"...that one day this nation will rise up"
(sax) dwa dwahh dwahhh dwahh dwahhh
"...and live out the true meaning of its creed!"
(percussion) twing tin tin booom booom booom
"I say I have a dream!"
"I say-"
"I say-"
"I say-say-say-"
"I have a dream!"
"I have a dream-dream-dream-dream"
(trumpet) dwah dee dee dee doo wahh wahhh wahhh
I thought it was a little inappropriate. But mostly weird. Weirder than you would think. Remember, its soft jazz. Background music. for a restaurant.
In other news, I went to the grocery store yesterday. I caught another shopper peering into my cart.
Asshole.
Then I realized I look into other people's carts all the time. The frazzled-let-herself-go-when-she-got-pregnant-at-16 mom with children buzzing around her like knats:
Juice
Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee Ravioli
Speghetti O's
potatoe chips
orange soda
Twinkies and Ho Ho's
Go-Gurts
Mac-N-Cheese (kraft for kids, stouffer's for dad)
Wonder Bread
*Young hip couples:
name brand tea (green)
organic yogurt
lettuce
beer
one box of cereal, moderately sweetened
rice
*The male counterpart of the couple was the snooper who peeked in my cart for more than the time alloted for accidental glance
old couple:
vodka
roast
Although, it can be helpful to sneak a peek at other carts to:
compare eating habits
see if you forgot anything
new food suggestions if you are looking to expand your diet
One last thing:
Tootsie Roll Pops are a bar must-have. They are great chasers, and they keep something in your hand so that you don't feel a constant need to buy another drink or smoke one.
that's all I have for today...
good night and good luck
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
KIN 103A
"thankyouforpleasehandsenjoyyourtimegre America's Roller Coast!"
-Cedar Point employee
"gogogogogogogonetwoonetwoone You can do it!"
-MSU aerobics instructor (speculation: former Cedar Point employee)
Rely Race for Beginners:
1. Form a circle
2. Lie on your belly
3. Choose a first 'player'
4. Player 1 gets up and runs around circle jumping over the bodies.
5. Next person follows immediately after being hopped over.
6. Player 1 lies back down in her spot.
7. Repeat.
Firstly
This game might be fun for the high school track team. Not for persons so uncoordinated and unshapely that they could understandably be misdiagnosed with cerebral palsy.
Secondly
I'm kind of scrawny. I've been called 'little squirt' and 'sickly' on more than a couple of occasions.
Thirdly
There is no BMI cut-off!
I should not recieve physical punishment for the gluttonous and slothful habits of my peers!
-Cedar Point employee
"gogogogogogogonetwoonetwoone You can do it!"
-MSU aerobics instructor (speculation: former Cedar Point employee)
Rely Race for Beginners:
1. Form a circle
2. Lie on your belly
3. Choose a first 'player'
4. Player 1 gets up and runs around circle jumping over the bodies.
5. Next person follows immediately after being hopped over.
6. Player 1 lies back down in her spot.
7. Repeat.
Firstly
This game might be fun for the high school track team. Not for persons so uncoordinated and unshapely that they could understandably be misdiagnosed with cerebral palsy.
Secondly
I'm kind of scrawny. I've been called 'little squirt' and 'sickly' on more than a couple of occasions.
Thirdly
There is no BMI cut-off!
I should not recieve physical punishment for the gluttonous and slothful habits of my peers!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
We're Gonna Have a TV party Tonight. Alright!
The new form of national security. "Plus One." (the slogan)
In the future robots won't take over. Cameras will. Television will include hundreds of cameras recording the everyday person. We are each the star of our own channel! SpyVision.
Channel Three.
Hank Smitty!
Let's watch him tie his shoes and not smoke crack. He's got kids!
Channel Seven.
Jane Doe!
She's not a prostitute, she's a free spirit!
Channel eighteen.
George Ritz.
Wow. He's disgusting. Let's watch him.
Channel Twenty-One.
Steffi Stumpos?
Hope not.
At least no one will be paranoid. You aren't paranoid if someone actually is watching you.
Tubular.
In the future robots won't take over. Cameras will. Television will include hundreds of cameras recording the everyday person. We are each the star of our own channel! SpyVision.
Channel Three.
Hank Smitty!
Let's watch him tie his shoes and not smoke crack. He's got kids!
Channel Seven.
Jane Doe!
She's not a prostitute, she's a free spirit!
Channel eighteen.
George Ritz.
Wow. He's disgusting. Let's watch him.
Channel Twenty-One.
Steffi Stumpos?
Hope not.
At least no one will be paranoid. You aren't paranoid if someone actually is watching you.
Tubular.
Friday, January 16, 2009
The Good Samaritan
I am proud of myself today.
I found a hat on the stairwell (well, the stairwell version for handicapped persons) and I did not take it... Here's the story:
I love winter.
Its the time of year I aquire most of my 'free' belongings. Glove(s), scarves, keys, wallets, sunglasses, bus passes,
...hats.
But what if the person who lost the item retraces his steps and finds the item right where he suspected he had left it? Then would he not be relieved? Satisfied? I bet it would make his day.
I could make someone's day.
This realization came to me when someone emailed me, reporting my lost wallet found! Did it matter that I not yet noticed its absence?
No.
Though I think we can all agree that picking up lost items on the street is not stealing, I think I can be the first to step foward(back?) and....not do it.
Yep..ahhhh
I'm a good person.
I found a hat on the stairwell (well, the stairwell version for handicapped persons) and I did not take it... Here's the story:
I love winter.
Its the time of year I aquire most of my 'free' belongings. Glove(s), scarves, keys, wallets, sunglasses, bus passes,
...hats.
But what if the person who lost the item retraces his steps and finds the item right where he suspected he had left it? Then would he not be relieved? Satisfied? I bet it would make his day.
I could make someone's day.
This realization came to me when someone emailed me, reporting my lost wallet found! Did it matter that I not yet noticed its absence?
No.
Though I think we can all agree that picking up lost items on the street is not stealing, I think I can be the first to step foward(back?) and....not do it.
Yep..ahhhh
I'm a good person.
ye be warned
a man once said
"Put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex during the first year of marriage. Then take a penny out of the jar every time you have sex during the second year of marriage. What do you have?
a jar full of pennies."
"Put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex during the first year of marriage. Then take a penny out of the jar every time you have sex during the second year of marriage. What do you have?
a jar full of pennies."
Saturday, January 10, 2009
i found this on the internet
Mattel sent The Body Shop a cease-and-desist order, demanding to pull the self-esteem posters featuring Ruby - a rubenesque anti-Barbie - from American shop windows, because she was insulting to the real Barbie. Then, in Hong Kong, posters of Ruby were banned on the Mass Transit Railway because authorities said that in her nude (albeit nippleless and pubic-hair-free) condition, she would offend passengers. One shop in the US was forced to take down a Ruby poster after a mall patron said his daughter had been traumatized by seeing it.
If you are interested in this sort of thing, check out this website:
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Red Wine
Squeeze me, press me, make me wine.
Regardless of rank or proffession, everyone crumples their straw wrappers into little balls or zig-zags.
I think I'll make my day more exciting by wearing my contact-for-astigmatism upside down. It makes me feel taller.
Regardless of rank or proffession, everyone crumples their straw wrappers into little balls or zig-zags.
I think I'll make my day more exciting by wearing my contact-for-astigmatism upside down. It makes me feel taller.
Monday, January 5, 2009
ambivalent
Notes on Life as of...yesterday:
#1
I played tennis with my dad yesterday. Its not a lesson, but every point ends with a comment of some sort regardless.
To me:
"Shorten your swing!"
"Hit through the ball!"
Its funny because no matter which mistake I make, my dad decides it is one of those two options.
He could probably start a riot if he wasn't playing tennis and if it wasn't in first person.
To himself:
"That was PA-the-tic!"
"I'm terrible"
"I am so BAD!!"
or my favorite...
"Arrrrrrrrrgh-AHH!"
#2
Spending time at my house is way better than I thought. Why did I stay at my condo over break!! There's billiards, big TVs, comfortable couches, a mini fridge, the whole basement to myself...so great!
Oh, I suddenly remember why. I didn't have a bedroom. But my mom just put a bed in my old room, so now its perfect. It used to be Antigone's room, but we keep her in the basement now.
#3
I thought I wanted to go out last night, but everyone I talked to was busy. Or doing something I won't do. But it turned out that spending time alone was exactly what I needed! I used to be such a loner...I miss that. I got to relax. And although I couldn't work on my song because I left my guitar at my condo, I made some serious progress on my script. I think it will take probably two or three more months to complete both the script and the story board. Ahhhhh! I can't wait!
#4
Oh the marvelous bathroom! The spacious shower and the bathtub! The soaps, oils, and lotions! Oh man there's nothing better.
That's all I think I want...a giant bathroom...a private bathhouse! A hot tub maybe, and a shower that's more of a room with waterfalls!
That's it. I don't need large televisions, nice car, etc, etc, etc...just the bathroom. That's all I want. To be clean and happy.
There's that old saying about growing fat (meaning becoming successful and rich). But it should be clean. No one wants to be fat anymore; its outdated.
#1
I played tennis with my dad yesterday. Its not a lesson, but every point ends with a comment of some sort regardless.
To me:
"Shorten your swing!"
"Hit through the ball!"
Its funny because no matter which mistake I make, my dad decides it is one of those two options.
He could probably start a riot if he wasn't playing tennis and if it wasn't in first person.
To himself:
"That was PA-the-tic!"
"I'm terrible"
"I am so BAD!!"
or my favorite...
"Arrrrrrrrrgh-AHH!"
#2
Spending time at my house is way better than I thought. Why did I stay at my condo over break!! There's billiards, big TVs, comfortable couches, a mini fridge, the whole basement to myself...so great!
Oh, I suddenly remember why. I didn't have a bedroom. But my mom just put a bed in my old room, so now its perfect. It used to be Antigone's room, but we keep her in the basement now.
#3
I thought I wanted to go out last night, but everyone I talked to was busy. Or doing something I won't do. But it turned out that spending time alone was exactly what I needed! I used to be such a loner...I miss that. I got to relax. And although I couldn't work on my song because I left my guitar at my condo, I made some serious progress on my script. I think it will take probably two or three more months to complete both the script and the story board. Ahhhhh! I can't wait!
#4
Oh the marvelous bathroom! The spacious shower and the bathtub! The soaps, oils, and lotions! Oh man there's nothing better.
That's all I think I want...a giant bathroom...a private bathhouse! A hot tub maybe, and a shower that's more of a room with waterfalls!
That's it. I don't need large televisions, nice car, etc, etc, etc...just the bathroom. That's all I want. To be clean and happy.
There's that old saying about growing fat (meaning becoming successful and rich). But it should be clean. No one wants to be fat anymore; its outdated.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Fine Dining
Man oh man! I assembled a mop just now and the end result resembles something of an intravenous device. I guess I'll start over. Too many tubes for a mop; technology is killing me.
On a somewhat lighter note...
I can always tell when the loners come into the restaurant. I can tell they aren't just hotel guests because they come in all poshed up, but not in a proffesional way. No pant suits or ties that match the color of the power point slides.
Believe it or not, that last part was not me trying to be sarcastically cute, it actually happens all the time. Sometimes the other colleagues poke fun at the poor guy for it.
Whenever I ask if I can get the additional place setting out of the way, the Loner always raises their hand up, almost as a physical effort to protect the empty seat.
"The extra dishes don't bother me"
"Sir, it's really no trouble at all..."
"Leave it."
I make eye contact with them at this point. It's my way of saying It's okay, I understand-- without getting fired. Sometimes they feel a need to further explain their situation.
"I'm not expecting anyone, but you never know, do you?"
"Indeed"
males laugh at this point; females smile. males usually end with:
"You could always join me! ha ha ha"
I usually raise my water pitcher as if I were proposing a toast.
"I would if I could"
Sometimes they then joke about me paying for lunch to break the awkwardness that often follows the small talk. I always tell myself , "They started it!"
But then again, maybe not. Do I push people's buttons?
Nah, I'm not a sociopath.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
In Memory
I got a call.
An old friend of mine ended her life. Her name was Daeman. She left behind her beautiful little blonde 4 year old daughter.
She will be missed; she was loved by many. My love goes out to her.
An old friend of mine ended her life. Her name was Daeman. She left behind her beautiful little blonde 4 year old daughter.
She will be missed; she was loved by many. My love goes out to her.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Deadeye Dick
They don't have a name yet.
But the kid in red playing that white guitar is Kevin Zimmmmer****, The smiling man in shades on the drum set is Dan Zzzzz****. He's drunk ha.
Eric Dah* is on bass. And singing fabulously. The person is the brown sweater playing that sangria colored guitar is Andrew G. He's my significant other : )
**** not real last name
*misspelled
I called the video 'epilogue' only because I just finished reading Vonnegut's Deadeye Dick. At the very end of the novel he talks about how life is a story, but only up until a certain point. After that, its all epilogue. And I quote...
"If a person survives an ordinary span of sixty years or more, there is every chance that his or her life as a shapely story has ended, and that all that remains to be experienced is epilogue. Life is not over, but the story is."
-Vonnegut
It was just on my mind is all. I dont know where the hell that '0001' came from. my computer just added it on automatically.
preface
Facebook overestimates me. It thinks 'I may know the following persons'. I feel the same way about this assumption as I do about words whose definition I should (but do not) know.
nod in agreement.
Christmas was mildly boring this year. The funniest thing that happened was either:
1. Luke used 'Jesus' as the word for the category 'Monster' for 'J' words in Scategories. My mother's catholic family initially acted appalled and disgusted. A friendly debate linking criminal acts to 'monstrosity' followed. If the link could be proven without exception, 'Jesus' could be an exceptable answer. However, the family member from the oldest generation would hear nothing of it. "Hail Christ!" Seniority rules.
I just thought it was hilarious that poor Judas never made an appearance.
2. I forgot a gift for my sweet grandmother. I drew her name, so she would be the only one without a present. I 'borrowed' someone else's present, ripped their name off, and viola! "Merry Christmas Grandma!" I took a photo with her: her smiling with her new clock and my head leaning against hers, my arm around her shoulder. My other hand giving a thumbs up. I paid off the original owner of the gift for her sworn secrecy. And for the price of the clock.
I'm looking forward to new years. And New Year's Day. Every year since september of my senior year in high school has seemed to be better than the year before. So cheers! Drinks around!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
"Joe"
I have been describing some people of my past. This is 'Joe'**.
Joe captured my attention the second he walked through the doors of the hospital. He was not much of a looker but he wasn't disgusting or anything. He seemed a bit dim witted, but he was 18, and I was grateful for the youthful company.
Joe was borderline redneck...and in danger of becoming white trash. he wore dirty loose fitting clothing and the coat he wore on smoke breaks was a big camouflaged hunting coat. He smoked a lot of cigarettes, but I was surprised at how innocent he was the more I got to know him. He smoked grass and drank liquor, but he had no other drug histories. I had expected at least a little blow, but he was clean.
Joe was also a virgin. He had a girlfriend back home, but I guess he was bashful. Joe and I had very little in common except for our age. For some reason, that was all that mattered. I think at that point I realized how animalistic humans are. How the youth are drawn to reproduce despite the circumstances. Sex is survival, although it doesn't feel that way for a conscience animal.
Joe and I spent much of our time together. It was not beneficial to our recovery. Alone I was trying to figure things out, but alongside Joe I was a partner in crime. We talked of living reckless lives, of throwing caution to the wind. We tried to see how far we could push things.
I think the hospital staff noticed our destructive friendship. An orderly seemed to be assigned excusively to us. The only time I ever laid a hand on Joe was when I gave him an innocent shoulder rub. He then returned the favor to me, giving me a thorough back massage. It felt good to feel human contact. I felt like I had not even hugged anyone in months. Of course within 30 seconds our personal orderly noticed and ended the free massage session.
The next day Joe was gone. I asked where he was but the hospital staff only said that he had gone 'to another place'. It sounded like a eulogy to me. Later he called me at the hospital. He said that they had sent him to a half-way house. I heard from him every once in a while for about 6 months. It was almost never good news.
About a month later he called me, saying he had been kicked out of the halfway house. He planned on hitching a ride with a friend to his much-older sister's house. She said that she would allow him to stay with her and he wanted me to come with him (I politely declined). When I found out that his sister was a drug addict, I knew Joe would never get out. He was too vulnerable. This would be the death of him, figuratively or literally.
Joe was drinking all the time now; his sister provided him with alcohol. He somehow recieved a large sum of money that he used to buy lots of 'eight balls'. He planned to sell them to make more money so he could get a place of his own. I suspected that he probably did them all himself.
Eventually Joe was incarcerated for check fraud.
I never heard from him again.
**name changed
Joe captured my attention the second he walked through the doors of the hospital. He was not much of a looker but he wasn't disgusting or anything. He seemed a bit dim witted, but he was 18, and I was grateful for the youthful company.
Joe was borderline redneck...and in danger of becoming white trash. he wore dirty loose fitting clothing and the coat he wore on smoke breaks was a big camouflaged hunting coat. He smoked a lot of cigarettes, but I was surprised at how innocent he was the more I got to know him. He smoked grass and drank liquor, but he had no other drug histories. I had expected at least a little blow, but he was clean.
Joe was also a virgin. He had a girlfriend back home, but I guess he was bashful. Joe and I had very little in common except for our age. For some reason, that was all that mattered. I think at that point I realized how animalistic humans are. How the youth are drawn to reproduce despite the circumstances. Sex is survival, although it doesn't feel that way for a conscience animal.
Joe and I spent much of our time together. It was not beneficial to our recovery. Alone I was trying to figure things out, but alongside Joe I was a partner in crime. We talked of living reckless lives, of throwing caution to the wind. We tried to see how far we could push things.
I think the hospital staff noticed our destructive friendship. An orderly seemed to be assigned excusively to us. The only time I ever laid a hand on Joe was when I gave him an innocent shoulder rub. He then returned the favor to me, giving me a thorough back massage. It felt good to feel human contact. I felt like I had not even hugged anyone in months. Of course within 30 seconds our personal orderly noticed and ended the free massage session.
The next day Joe was gone. I asked where he was but the hospital staff only said that he had gone 'to another place'. It sounded like a eulogy to me. Later he called me at the hospital. He said that they had sent him to a half-way house. I heard from him every once in a while for about 6 months. It was almost never good news.
About a month later he called me, saying he had been kicked out of the halfway house. He planned on hitching a ride with a friend to his much-older sister's house. She said that she would allow him to stay with her and he wanted me to come with him (I politely declined). When I found out that his sister was a drug addict, I knew Joe would never get out. He was too vulnerable. This would be the death of him, figuratively or literally.
Joe was drinking all the time now; his sister provided him with alcohol. He somehow recieved a large sum of money that he used to buy lots of 'eight balls'. He planned to sell them to make more money so he could get a place of his own. I suspected that he probably did them all himself.
Eventually Joe was incarcerated for check fraud.
I never heard from him again.
**name changed
Brian
I am continuing my list and description of people in my life. This next person's name is Brian.
I met Brian at the hospital as well. He was an intimidating man. He was tall and muscular and often wore a snug black T-shirt to match his short black hair. He had a strong jaw and a crease across his forehead. He was about 38 years old.
Brian had it all at one point in his life. He had married a stunningly beautiful woman; he had worked his way up to the top to become a wealthy real-estate agent. Brian was surrounded by stability and love.
But Brian was not happy.
He struggled to appear satisfied and thankful for his picture perfect life, but inside he was rotting away and slowly he began to lose everything. His marriage ended in divorce. He lost his job and his business while he spiraled into an ever deepening depression. His best friend caught him buying a .38. That is what landed him in the hospital.
Most everyone was scared of Brian because of his appearance. He once walked into a room to catch a young woman named Tina calling him a 'homicidal rapist'. He had not really said a word the entire duration of his stay, so everyone was silenced with fear and excitment to see what he would do next.
"I'm not a homicidal rapist.", he said softly.
He walked out of the room.
His voice intrigued me. It was higher pitched than I imagined; there was so much vulnerability in it. He was like a polar bear licking his wounds after a losing fight with a walrus. He seemed broken, wounded. Brian was harmless.
One afternoon I skipped a session and snuck off into to the living room to read magazines. I saw Brian in there standing by the counter where lunch was usually served. My curiousity for this vulnerable man got the best of me and I walked over to learn more.
We talked for about forty five minutes. This is when I learned of his job, his house, his family and friends, and his wife. His ex-wife still visited him every day during visiting hours (That's how I knew she was so gorgeous). She never fell out of love with him, that was not what lead to the divorce.
It was difficult to distinguish a real root to Brian's issues. He never had any trouble with drugs, abuse, or any sort of scarring experiences. He just, could not function. There was something in his brain that was just not there. You could tell just by talking to him that this man tried to be happy. He truly loved the things he had worked so hard to obtain. He wanted to be positive, but in his eyes there was a haunting sadness and hopelessness that no words or even actions could conceal. Brian had tried to single handedly to overcome his illness on his own. He failed.
However within a week, Brian was declared stable and his bags were soon packed. I knew he was not ready to go home. I could tell he was bullshitting during group sessions. He was good at lying if you had never heard him tell the truth. One day he was gone. Released, cured!
One week later Brian returned with a bandage around his neck. A few days later the bandage was removed to reveal a long red line that ran across his neck. He told me in private that when he tried to slit his throat he did not use a sharp enough knife. That he would have had to saw at his neck and that he could not bring himself to do it. A couple weeks later I left the hospital. I gave him a hug and he smiled but the look in his eyes had not changed.
I never saw or heard of him again.
I met Brian at the hospital as well. He was an intimidating man. He was tall and muscular and often wore a snug black T-shirt to match his short black hair. He had a strong jaw and a crease across his forehead. He was about 38 years old.
Brian had it all at one point in his life. He had married a stunningly beautiful woman; he had worked his way up to the top to become a wealthy real-estate agent. Brian was surrounded by stability and love.
But Brian was not happy.
He struggled to appear satisfied and thankful for his picture perfect life, but inside he was rotting away and slowly he began to lose everything. His marriage ended in divorce. He lost his job and his business while he spiraled into an ever deepening depression. His best friend caught him buying a .38. That is what landed him in the hospital.
Most everyone was scared of Brian because of his appearance. He once walked into a room to catch a young woman named Tina calling him a 'homicidal rapist'. He had not really said a word the entire duration of his stay, so everyone was silenced with fear and excitment to see what he would do next.
"I'm not a homicidal rapist.", he said softly.
He walked out of the room.
His voice intrigued me. It was higher pitched than I imagined; there was so much vulnerability in it. He was like a polar bear licking his wounds after a losing fight with a walrus. He seemed broken, wounded. Brian was harmless.
One afternoon I skipped a session and snuck off into to the living room to read magazines. I saw Brian in there standing by the counter where lunch was usually served. My curiousity for this vulnerable man got the best of me and I walked over to learn more.
We talked for about forty five minutes. This is when I learned of his job, his house, his family and friends, and his wife. His ex-wife still visited him every day during visiting hours (That's how I knew she was so gorgeous). She never fell out of love with him, that was not what lead to the divorce.
It was difficult to distinguish a real root to Brian's issues. He never had any trouble with drugs, abuse, or any sort of scarring experiences. He just, could not function. There was something in his brain that was just not there. You could tell just by talking to him that this man tried to be happy. He truly loved the things he had worked so hard to obtain. He wanted to be positive, but in his eyes there was a haunting sadness and hopelessness that no words or even actions could conceal. Brian had tried to single handedly to overcome his illness on his own. He failed.
However within a week, Brian was declared stable and his bags were soon packed. I knew he was not ready to go home. I could tell he was bullshitting during group sessions. He was good at lying if you had never heard him tell the truth. One day he was gone. Released, cured!
One week later Brian returned with a bandage around his neck. A few days later the bandage was removed to reveal a long red line that ran across his neck. He told me in private that when he tried to slit his throat he did not use a sharp enough knife. That he would have had to saw at his neck and that he could not bring himself to do it. A couple weeks later I left the hospital. I gave him a hug and he smiled but the look in his eyes had not changed.
I never saw or heard of him again.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Brenda
I want to write about the many different people in my life. Here's the first one.
I met Brenda in the hospital about two days after the old maid, my former roomate, had left. She came in all doped put, wearing a white and blue hospital gown. I was glad to have a junkie roomate instead of a depressed one. The junkies are more interesting.
Brenda had bleached blonde hair with long bangs that hung over her eyebrows, and she appeared to be in her mid-to-late thirties. Despite the downers they fed her three to four times a day, Brenda still had a mischievious quality about her. Even though she was bit thick headed, Brenda was amusing. She spoke with a soft sing-songy voice occasionally accompanied by a merriful giggle, and she used it to try and seduce the men. Because any sort of touching or stroking was strictly prohibited, her efforts were in vain. She ultimately caused herself unnesessary misery and embarrassment.
Smoke breaks were of course the highlight of every day. There were 4 through out the day, one after each of the three meals and one before bed. I have never seen anyone try to smoke so many cigarettes at once in a 15 minute period. These people are hardcore smokers used to smoking nonstop throughout the day, and 4 breaks is just not enough.
Anyway Brenda decided that she would change this rule and stole the lighter from the nurse station. It was a real serious offense, the culprit was hunted down as if a murderer was on the loose. All privledges were taken away until the lighter turned up. Privledges included smoke breaks.
In our room that night I noticed the scent of cigarrette smoke lingering in the air. I shut the door quickly, even though that was also against the rules. I saw a blonde head slowly peak out from the shower door. Brenda whispered loudly, "Hey! You can't smell it out there can you?" I walked into the shower room and saw Brenda standing on our desk chair blowing the cigarette smoke into the vent about the shower. She then grabbed two towels and gave one to me.
"Help me out!" She was still whispering, even though the volume was probably louder than her speaking voice.
She waved the towels about, trying to fan out the smoke. I have to admit it was hilarious, mostly because of the seriousness in her voice. Her seriousness was understandable; if she was caught she would lose her smoking privledges.
Miraculously she did not get caught. The smoking breaks were eventually returned. No one could stand a hospitable full of people without their cigarettes.
That was Brenda.
I met Brenda in the hospital about two days after the old maid, my former roomate, had left. She came in all doped put, wearing a white and blue hospital gown. I was glad to have a junkie roomate instead of a depressed one. The junkies are more interesting.
Brenda had bleached blonde hair with long bangs that hung over her eyebrows, and she appeared to be in her mid-to-late thirties. Despite the downers they fed her three to four times a day, Brenda still had a mischievious quality about her. Even though she was bit thick headed, Brenda was amusing. She spoke with a soft sing-songy voice occasionally accompanied by a merriful giggle, and she used it to try and seduce the men. Because any sort of touching or stroking was strictly prohibited, her efforts were in vain. She ultimately caused herself unnesessary misery and embarrassment.
Smoke breaks were of course the highlight of every day. There were 4 through out the day, one after each of the three meals and one before bed. I have never seen anyone try to smoke so many cigarettes at once in a 15 minute period. These people are hardcore smokers used to smoking nonstop throughout the day, and 4 breaks is just not enough.
Anyway Brenda decided that she would change this rule and stole the lighter from the nurse station. It was a real serious offense, the culprit was hunted down as if a murderer was on the loose. All privledges were taken away until the lighter turned up. Privledges included smoke breaks.
In our room that night I noticed the scent of cigarrette smoke lingering in the air. I shut the door quickly, even though that was also against the rules. I saw a blonde head slowly peak out from the shower door. Brenda whispered loudly, "Hey! You can't smell it out there can you?" I walked into the shower room and saw Brenda standing on our desk chair blowing the cigarette smoke into the vent about the shower. She then grabbed two towels and gave one to me.
"Help me out!" She was still whispering, even though the volume was probably louder than her speaking voice.
She waved the towels about, trying to fan out the smoke. I have to admit it was hilarious, mostly because of the seriousness in her voice. Her seriousness was understandable; if she was caught she would lose her smoking privledges.
Miraculously she did not get caught. The smoking breaks were eventually returned. No one could stand a hospitable full of people without their cigarettes.
That was Brenda.
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