This Program Contains Subject Matter That May Be Disturbing to Some Viewers

I admit there will always be a place in my heart for forensics and the interworkings of the human body...and investigations and whatnot. (Though I often try to conceal my fascination regarding these subjects as I admit that I am embarrassed with this particular interest of mine...)

Anyway...

I was watching 'In Cold Blood' (on ID Discovery). This was one fucked up episode in the first place but there was one detail in particular that just continues to disturb me...read on.

The crime took place in a teeny tiny village in Whales, apparently the safest place to live statistically in the UK. It was so small they were able to collect blood samples from every male (who was over 18 and in town at the time...) to eliminate citizens from the collected DNA speciman.

In a nutshell the crime details:

1. Elderly widow is found murdered
2. she is drained of her blood and her heart lies cut out in a pot roast
3. cross symbols are found at the scene
4. teenage art student thinks he is vampire
5. he thinks drinking blood will give him eternal life
6. "Suicide" took place near the crime scene shortly after the murder.

Eventually of course the kid gets caught and goes to jail but the "suicide" was ruled unrelated. Unrelated! The guy scratched cross symbols all over the place, set himself on fire and jumped off a bridge! He was a Pagan with dark underworld magic type interests and was around the same age as the suspect.

On top of that, this incident was only briefly mentioned. "In an unrelated but suspicious occurence..."

WTF! Where's the 45 minute story on this? This must be one hell of a statisicist! Remind me to look this fellow up next time I need to sway the opinion of the public.

Sorry But That's Just the Way It Is

The Advertising Standards Committee of South Africa considered complaints in regard to television advertisements placed by the Amy Biehl Foundation. The two advertisements feature a young (12 - 14 year old) black boy in surroundings of an impoverished informal settlement uttering words to the effect that in a few years time he will be involved in a hi-jacking situation and will shoot the owner of the vehicle if he puts up any resistance, and a young (12 - 14 year old) white boy, also in surroundings evidencing a poor working class area, uttering words to the effect that in a few years time he will be begging at a shopping centre, and that if the person from whom he would be begging walks away from him, he would attack this person by stabbing him three times.

After the cinema commercial was banned this follow-up was shown on TV.

For the full story, visit best_rejected_advertisements

I'm No Square, But Isn't That Stuff Addictive?

Ma and Pop Store

'Ma': "How's Maria?"

'Pa': "They put 'er on these pills. Xanax"

worker one: "Everybody's on those aunt-tee dee-pressants these days"

'Ma': "It's a real shame. A real shame all those drugs they pump into people. "

worker two: "Xanax isn't an anti-depressant. It's a benzodiazepine. It's for anxiety; panic disorders"

'Pa': "They gonna mess 'er up. Just like those pain killer devils. God didn't put us on this earth to take drugs. It's all recreational if you ask me."

worker two: "She was on acetaminophen and hydrocodone for 4 days. She was never addicted. She switched to aspirin."

'Ma': "Why and how do you know so much about drugs young man?"

worker two: "Why, are you looking to buy some?"

Japan knows how to sell a patty

woman

man

Iosef "Soso" Dzugashvili (jug-ash-vee-lee)

his arm was stiff

his leg was crushed

his face as marked as lazurous

who be the boy with the sickly figure?

they call him Soso, the bratty stickler

PCP

The Hundred Dollar Cookie

The snowboard trip to Eagle-Vail (located in between the cities of Eagle and Vail) went rather well I think. My dad and his complete disregard for rules never ceases to amuse me. Two examples:



1. It costs one hundred dollars for a lift ticket for one day at the Beav. (Beaver Creek). On the up side, there are free (delicious) cookies everyday at 3:00.



Anyway...



It was almost three and I wanted a cookie, so I sped down ahead of everybody else. Unfortunately I still didn't make it in time. I leaned against a post to wait for Luke and my dad.



My dad zooms by. "Where are the cookies?"



Me: "We missed it, its 3:25."



Dad: "Hey, look! That guy's got one! Over by the escalator..."



He steps out of his skies and bee-lines it over to the escalator. A man on a mission. As soon as he begins his descent down the crowded moving staircase, he notices the woman in the white chef uniform and hat traveling UP the escalator. And she's carrying a platter!!



My dad reaches across the bridge that separates the escalators to grab a hand full of cookies from the tray. Of course, the woman is traveling too far too fast, and my dad doesn't have a good grip on the dessert yet!



No worries, he just runs up the descending stairs. Children in stiff ski boots and women in mink fur hats are mauled in the process.



But he's not a mad man, just oblivious. "One-track mind", some might say. Besides, he had the right-of-way.



After indulging, he pocketed the remaining cookies unwrapped. Later he would present his prize to his lovely wife.



Oh the crumbs...."and that's the way the cookie crumbles"



2. The second event:



We hike up a trail to the entrance of a marked off run. "STOP!" it warns. Meanwhile we are surpassed on our hike by two young ski bums in Oakley sunglasses.

Dad: "hey how is it up there?"

Ski Bum 1: "It gets pretty hairy up there. There's lots of hidden cliffs and tight trees so if you don't know the mountain really really well you will probably get lost."

Dad: "Oh I know the mountain"
(He doesn't)

Ski Bum 2: "It's not skill level, its just that visibility is bad and you'll probably get lost."

Dad: "Okay thank you, let's go guys!"

(Why does he even ask people for their opinions?)

Luke: "come on Dad I don't want to hike back!"

Mads: "Dad you couldn't even find the lodge!"

Me: "This has 'bad idea' written all over it."

Dad: Throws down skies in a raging manner. "Alright fine, if you guys can't do it..." (anger and sarcasm!!)

The challenge was there. He had lured us into it. It was actually pretty great but he was 1 for 3 on similar situations. (Although, I did happen to find an old ski (circa 1970) buried beneath the snow on one of these disaster runs when I hit a tree. Its okay, I wear a helmet)

comical couple

Meanwhile, at the State Room...

A 50 year old man and his assumed mother(grandmother?!) of 90+ are eating dinner. Okay, well I lied for the sake of alliteration. There were actually two others present, making it a party of four. The other two are also elderly women. All women are senile. One is drooling.

Man: Now if you see the moose straight ahead, don't swerve! just break FIRMLY

Ninety-Niner: OOoh

Woman #1: That's right Nana, a moose!

Woman #2: So then what? What if you hit it?

Man: Well, I guess you gotta try to hit as little of the animal as possible. AND MOOSE ARE HUUUGE! Arms flail for added effect

Ninety-Niner: OOoh

Woman #2: That's chocolate Nana. You like chocolate...

Man: So once impact is made, there are two things you gotta do: drive into the direction the moose walked FROM. You see, he won't want to back-track, his goal is to move forward! so you're likely to his just his end parts then.
Secondly, duck down real low in your seat. The moose is HUUGE and he will crush you when he crashes through the windshield--and he will crash through the windshield, whether you hit him straight on or just knick him in his legs. Doesn't matter.
Yep, if you duck you just might survive. It's not guaranteed of course...

Woman #1: So you're just better off avoiding the collision...

Ninety-Niner: OOoh

off my chest

Guests of public places: Leave your prayers at home please. please.

Why...?

Tattoos are common among criminals. It makes no sense.

authority: Can you describe the suspect? Any defining characteristics?

witness: come to think of it, yes...he had a bowser tattoo on his left elbow...

On the plus side, Jane Doe seldom has defining tattoos.

No Confetti (Thank you for your (assumed) cooperation)

'No soliciting', 'No loitering', 'no smoking', even 'no shirt no shoes no service' are all well and good, but...

Where's the 'No confetti in the dining room (Thank You, -State Room Staff)' sign. Not at Home Depot, I can tell you that much.

Its in your hair, your socks, your nail beds...and these particular "flakes of fun" were snowflake-shaped so they were pointy and pokey. Worst than sand.

Confetti is sold to guests. Never to hosts. Think about it. It just proves all people love to 'fuck shit up':

Confetti is the form of destructive behaviour for nice people--people who do not only need permission from their host, but thankfulness. Bring a casserole to the new years party at Jane's?
"No I'm bringing confetti in balloons. We'll pop them with needles or little arrows or our dinner forks! Aren't I creative!!"
Jane must be impressed by my hard work for her dinner party.

Its funny actually. Junior year of high school Ms. Burns made us take one of those 'career suggestion' tests. A couple days later we would receive our results. Mine?

Sign-maker. true story.

I was not offended. I was surprised. Who included 'Sign-maker' in the career options?

Food-maker
Body-Healer
Information-explainer

Hmmm
Career-thinker-upper?

In other news, I embarrassed myself at work. While cleaning up the confetti, I couldn't help but notice that our inconsiderate party guests had left one piece of birthday cake on their platter. My mouth watered. It had been a long shift. Chocolate too! My favorite! (As of the moment)

My clean-up speed slowed as I stared longingly at the cake. No one was around, it was a private dining room! I peered around the corner to take a quick scan of the hallway. In the clear.

I carried the platter off to the side, but before indulging I decided it was a good idea to slide my finger around the edges of where the round cake had been to collect a heap of frosting.

The only problem was that the cake had been a dinosaur cake, decorated with green and BLACK icing. (and yes, the cake was for adults)

So my manager walks in, looks at me, looks at the cake and goes "Oooh, cake!" (smile)

He took my cake.

I picked up a shiny unused knife and looked at my mouth. My lips and teeth were stained black.
Oh the shame!

The Rise and Fall of Glasses and Handwriting

If I were born 50 years ago, I'd be wearing glasses and writing in cursive. Instead, I wear contacts and type blogs.

But I like to think that I take care of my hand-written style (does printing count? printing math notes?)

I know in high school I would make my j's just straight lines reaching well below the horizontal margin. That way, in theology class, my papers were filled with 'lesus' instead of 'Jesus'.

But then that all changed when my s's turned into miniature h's circa sophomore year. Then the prophet 'lehuh' was born. lehuh, my Savior. My prince!

When we studied forensics and learned about the science of handwriting, I became paranoid and aware of the tilt of my letters. For awhile my 'tilt' wavered back and forth. If the alphabet could drink...my combination would be an alcoholic.

I haven't written in the true sense of the word since I last signed my name on a little green screen on an electronic credit card machine. It read 'Stephanie Stu-' in perfect little curvy letters.